Broken Open
I crawled into 2024 carrying the effects of burnout, extreme daily exhaustion, and depression. I was desperately searching for healing and meaning in my experiences. 2024 brought me my first experience with panic attacks and humbled me time and again. When I first started meeting with my mentor a few months ago, I tried to tell her that the last few years had beat me up. Even as I’ve read my posts from the last few New Year’s eve’s, I used the word “broken” to describe how I felt. My mentor has refused to let me believe I’m broken. Instead, she has helped me see that 2024 has left me “broken open.”
I used to think that difficult or uncomfortable things are simply to be “endured.” I used phrases such as “push through it” or “wait for it to be over” when describing how I was dealing with tough experiences. I’ve realized though that seeing trials this way is like sitting in the world’s best classroom and plugging your ears and closing your eyes through the lesson. Yes, you made it to the end of the class. Congratulations. But did you learn anything?
This year has taught me how to be better at listening during the lesson. To value the growth that happens in the journey, not just the understanding that comes at the end when you have a better perspective. True, I may understand it better at the end, but the growing happens in the middle.
This year, very little was “solved” or even “resolved” in my world. If a year is only significant because of the things that were accomplished, I could convince myself that 2024 was a failure. However, this year has been incredibly significant for me because my own perspectives have shifted. 2024 has taught me to see the world differently.
I wish I had better words to describe how differently I feel about myself and how I see things. I’ll try, but I know it will be insufficient. However, I’ve learned that my ability to describe these thoughts and feelings grows every time I try to share or teach about it – which in its own right shows some of my changes. Instead of valuing external validation for correctness, perfection, and accomplishment, I’m valuing the relationship that is built between myself, others, and God while I make authentic and vulnerable efforts in the right direction.
2024 has been a year of building listening skills. I’ve learned how to listen to myself – my body, my mind, and my spirit. It has taken effort and consistency through daily, weekly, and monthly well-being practices. I’ve learned how to listen better to God through a deeper study of scripture and prayer than I’ve ever done before. I’ve learned skills for listening to others because of my classes rooted in psychology. Even more so, I’ve learned how to balance making invitations to others without tying my value to their acceptance of that invitation. I’ve become better at honoring the choices and agency of others. To respect where they are in their own learning journeys and readiness to change. I’ve learned how to be more open and willing to hold space while myself and others deal with our own ambivalence. In these ways, I have been truly broken open.
2024 has made me more wise. It’s a beginning in developing true wisdom and one I am grateful for. I’ve learned that wisdom is not just being smart, gaining knowledge, or even knowing how to apply that knowledge. Wisdom works at a different pace and does not need to prove its utility to be worthwhile. Wisdom provides grounded confidence in past experiences, present placement, and future possibilities. 2024 has taught me to value moving in a direction each day that builds a life of meaning and purpose. So, thank you 2024. Thank you for encouraging me to change.