Stress Generation - Making a Bad Thing Worse
I’ve been reflecting on one of the concepts from my stress class that has been coming up a lot in my personal life lately. It’s known as stress generation theory. It’s basically that sometimes when we are stressed (or depressed) we act in ways the generate more of that stress (or depression) and it can become a really vicious cycle. We learned about it in terms of stress, but the study that proves the theory was based on studying the behaviors of those with depression. Below is a version of the example my teacher gave us.
Consider this text thread:
“Are you mad at me?”
“Uh, no.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I’m sure. All is good.”
“Really? Because I feel like you’re mad at me.”
“Yeah… not mad… but getting there after this text thread…”
“I KNEW IT! You ARE mad at me!”
“Sheesh. Yep! Now I’m mad.”
My example is a little exaggerated, but we have all seen a thread like this. When someone is in a state like this, they are seeking constant reassurance. Unfortunately, they can push it to the point that they create the very scenario they are worried about. Ironically, social support has been scientifically shown to be a great way to cope with depression. However, simply reaching out because you’ve been told it should help and reaching out in a way that actually gets you help may be different in practice. In this circumstance, it would be easy for the person seeking reassurance to use this data as proof that they have no social support and/or that seeking social support doesn’t work.
These behaviors happen when we’re stressed too.
For instance, someone I know has had an extremely stressful work situation crop up unexpectedly. Before this situation, he was taking part in a pretty intense fitness challenge. For the last while, he has been very focused on creating and living a healthy lifestyle. However, with this new situation, he needed to stop his current challenge. Instead of continuing with a lighter regimen, he swung the opposite direction. To get the work done, he was skipping sleep, eating ultra-processed, carb heavy comfort foods, and sitting at his desk all day. (Which, honestly, I feel for him. I’ve lived through this exact scenario too many times). Just like in our previous example that social support can help depression, sleep, nutrition, and movement have all been proven to help with stress.
So why do we move to these default modes that seem to hurt us when we need help the most?
Honestly, there’s a lot of reasons. Here’s a few I can mention. Partly, there is a form of guilty pleasure when we feed these thoughts and behaviors. We can feel justified for the unpleasant emotions we are harboring. Also, sometimes we are too tired to do the more energy consuming behaviors that can build our capacity and instead we seek comfort or feeling good. My favorite explanation is that when it comes to some of these bad behaviors, such as rumination spirals (aka when we keep feeding the bad thoughts in our head), we may be attempting to engage in self-reflection which, when we’re in positive productive place is the foundation for the very healthy practice of meaning making and growth mindset. Unfortunately, if you’re in a bad headspace the behaviors of self-reflection can become a rumination spiral that puts 90s quicksand references to shame. The difference is in the mood you’re in when you try to problem solve. This means, we do need to tend to our feelings… and that can be harder than we want.
Here are three things you can try to pull yourself out of a slump:
Notice and Name
A lot of times, we react to our feelings without being really aware of them. To notice and name, you pause and think of the underlying feeling or feelings are that you’re experiencing. Then you vocalize those feelings out loud. When we notice and name, it brings the feelings that may be scratching at your subconscious into full awareness which means that instead of being simply reactive to it, you can be proactive about how you want to deal with it. Noticing and naming a feeling strips it of its power over you and gives the power back to you because you’ve kicked it out of the driver’s seat. When you identify that feeling, you can decide what you want to do with it and often, it takes you on a slightly different path than the one you were previously following (especially if naming the feeling helps you realize you were feeding it instead of healing it).
Extra tip: once you’ve identified that feeling, practice compassion and withholding judgment for that feeling. Everyone has feelings. What you’re feeling is not a determination of your worth. It is simply something that is happening to you right now.
Move a Muscle Change a Thought
When I don’t have the cognitive energy to work through my thoughts and feelings, but I know I’m starting to spiral, my classmate’s quote pops into my head - “Move a Muscle, Change a Thought.” I will literally get up and start doing something else for a moment. Sometimes, I walk through my back yard or my neighborhood. Sometimes, I start a small chore. Other times, I try some yoga. If you overuse this strategy, it can become an avoidant technique, so be careful there. However, if you find yourself going deeper into a spiral, sometimes you need to check that spiral itself by moving away from it.
The Power of Gratitude
Finally, did you know that gratitude is a superpower? Barbara Frederickson showed us that although we can spiral down, we can also spiral up through her Broaden and Build theory. When we practice gratitude (and I don’t use the word practice lightly) it can literally begin lifting us out of those spirals. We don’t use it to invalidate the current feelings we have. We use it to show ourselves that there is always more than just those current feelings. When I feel darkness creeping in, I try to think of three things I’m grateful for in that moment. Sometimes it’s as simple as the fact that I’m breathing. Other times it helps me think of those in my life that I love. The list can go from simple to complex. No matter what, it brings in the reminders that there is so much good in your world even while the hard things are there.
There are of course more things you can do (and I always advocate for therapy and/or coaching from a certified coach), but my article is already too long, so I’m starting with the three simplest. If you find yourself spiraling anytime soon, I hope that you try at least one of these simple steps to see if they can help you. You are the one who gets to advocate for what is happening inside of your head and you are worth the work.
Thanks for reading with me today. I hope you can see your world broadening and building today.