Strong Ones Need Support Too

I’ve had this thought mulling around in my head for a while now. It’s not fully formed yet, but writing about it often helps me get closer to it. So, here we go. One of the hardest paradoxes of leadership is the loneliness that it can create.

Not only do leaders feel a great deal of pressure to perform, have to make tough decisions, and must prove their competency over and over, but there are social nuances required of leaders as well. Being a leader and a teacher can be so incredibly fulfilling as you watch those you coach or teach grow. The people you surround yourself with can bring you so much joy as you watch them succeed. Few things are more gratifying than when someone you lead comes to you for answers, insights, and guidance. However, that directionality does not always go both ways.

In one of my first I/O Psych classes, we learned about the dangers of “in group/out group” scenarios in the workplace. These often happen when a leader has a group of individuals that they enjoy being with or have created deeper friendships with. Those who are not in this specific friend group can often feel marginalized or penalized at work – even if they aren’t actually being marginalized or penalized. That perception of being left out is dangerous. So, leaders are encouraged to keep all their work relationships similar to avoid any perceived favoritism.

In my groups and cultures class we learned incredible ways of leading teams and groups to create stronger cohesion and connection. However, it was often said that the leader of the group is there to help others gain those connections and insights. The group itself is not the appropriate place for the leader of that group to unpack their own needs and worries. Where then does this leader look for support? It seems they are not allowed to draw from the workplace like those who report to them are. They have to look elsewhere.

Considering I’m especially drawn to the servant leadership style, I’ve learned how high the toll and tax of this level of leadership is. In my personal world, we call these kind of leaders (whether they’re a formal leader or not) the “strong ones.” These are people who seem to have it all together (emphasis on the “seem”). They often work in the service of others and have good disciplines of their own that help them achieve many things. In some ways, because they have so much of their life together, we forget that they are human. However, these strong folks need support too.

Here's the thing, those that seem strong, especially those that are often seen serving others, are often terrible at asking for support for themselves. Maybe this is because they’ve been conditioned to stay away from seeking to fulfill their needs (such as the ways I cited above). Either way, when someone who is often seen as strong gathers to courage to actually make a request for help or support, they often follow it up with a diminisher – something to make it seem like their request would be no big deal to turn down. The problem is, it is a big deal if it gets turned down.

If you see a seemingly small request from someone who looks like they’ve got it all together, you have a rare opportunity to help someone who may be struggling with more loneliness than you realize. Corey Keyes said, “Loneliness is part of languishing.” Don’t let their successes blind your call to action. They need you and you need them. That’s the beauty of social support.

Thanks for reading today. I hope you find the opportunity to provide support to someone close to you today.