The Power of Choice
Choice and autonomy are one of the things that we will fight the hardest for. No matter who we are, if we feel that our ability to choose is being threatened, we tend to push back. This is why, even when someone with good intentions tells you a solution or pushes something on to you (even if it is a good thing or an accurate thing), our initial instinct will be to push back.
I’ve had way too many times in my life when I’ve been a pusher. When you know the solution to someone’s problem it’s really hard to not just shove that solution in their face. Here’s the answer! Accept it! Some people are open and will be eager to receive that information. Many are not. This isn’t because the answer was wrong. It was because of how the answer was delivered. The whole basis of motivational interviewing is to teach you techniques to tie into the power of choice and autonomy so those you’re helping are more likely to accept the correct solutions and embrace them long term.
In these kind of scenarios, there are two roles though and we play both of them often. One role is the person who knows the solution. The other role is the person who’s receiving the solution. I’ve loved learning about how to be a better helper, but last week, I found myself being the one who felt like her autonomy was being challenged.
Our church was putting together a Palm Sunday musical fireside. I was worried about my bandwidth and initially decided not to participate. The coordinator of the fireside really wanted representation from each of our areas and I found my boundaries crumbling. As the fireside approached, I felt that I had tried to say “no” several times and yet, I found myself conducting a group of children in a song I wasn’t as familiar with as I liked, and I was singing a descant solo in a large choir. In many ways, I felt like an obstinate child – sitting with my arms and legs crossed with a scowl on my face because I was being “forced” to participate. The truth is, I wasn’t being forced (I was the one who agreed even if it was reluctantly) and I knew that this fireside had the potential to be a really beautiful experience. And yet, the resentment I was harboring was poisoning it all for me.
A few hours before the event, I was at a family dinner and I told my dad about my feelings. I said, “I need to get my heart right.” He then shared with me a trick he’s been using for years. He told me when in situations like this, we can find ways to make it our own. He often chooses to make the assignment a little bit harder so that he knows it was his choice to put forth the effort. He told me an example of a time in his life when he was expected to get up each morning by 6:30am. He decided he would get up each morning at 6:15am so that it was his choice to get up and not theirs. Often, when we feel like our choice is being threatened, we dim down what we’re willing to do – we literally only do what is absolutely expected. Here my dad is suggesting that we do a little bit more than expected as a way to make the whole thing yours.
I realized that my mom was especially good at this. She had a phrase “leave things better than you found them” and I’m realizing that she was using her power of choice to make mundane things into fun and inspiring things. For instance, as her mobility declined during her cancer journey, doctors told us that we should still have her move each day. If we were to just do as expected, we could have made that assignment really mundane. We could have done reps of sitting to standing, we could have measured the number of steps she took, etc. However, my mom instead chose to make all those things into a game. Sometimes, it was playing ball with her blind spot. Other times, it was dancing in the kitchen. She was a master at using her power of choice to make potentially resentful building assignments into inspiring memories full of connection and joy.
As I drove to the fireside, I tried to think through how to make it feel like my own choice. I tried talking to myself about how it really was going to be pretty and that I did actually like the music. I still felt the weight of resentment in my chest though. My next thought was “what if this isn’t actually about me and how I feel?” With this question, I began turning outward and I began thinking of what this event could potentially be to others. In my mind, I began seeing the faces of those who were so excited to share their talents in this way. I felt myself softening as I realized that this was an opportunity to serve and support those people. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to do so when my heart was so hard.
When I was thinking of only myself, I saw this only as an assignment to be resented. When I looked to those who had joyously taken on the assignment, I could see the potential of what we were going to do. I made it my own, by choosing to become a support to those who were setting a better example for me.
I’m happy to say the evening was indeed beautiful. I found myself smiling because instead of simply thinking of the order of events, I looked into the faces of the people who were performing. It was humbling to be in their presence. When I was singing my high notes, instead of worrying about the attention I may or may not get, I found myself thinking of how those notes contributed to the group of people in the choir that I admired. I changed my mind set for those high notes from “here’s what I can do” to “here’s what I can add.”
So, the next time you feel yourself pushing back against something that you know is good, I challenge you to also take on my dad’s advice. What can you do to make it feel like your own? How can you infuse a little more effort that will help transform your experience from just a mundane task to one that brings joy and perhaps utilizes the power of play? Our power to choose is truly the most powerful thing we have – don’t ever discount what you can do with it.
Thanks for reading with me today. I hope you find new ways to play this week.