Adjourning with Grace
Tomorrow I will turn in my final paper for this semester. Many parts of me are sad to see this semester end. The topics I studied the last few months have been some of my favorites so far. Additionally, the teachers and peers I have met this semester have filled my cup once again. My educational experience with Harvard Extension School has exceeded my expectations in every way (and when it comes to learning experiences, I have high expectations!) Our motivation teacher, Dr. Bobbi Wegner (2024), used our last lecture on Monday to both discuss and show how to “terminate” (also sometimes called transition or adjourn) an experience so that it is fulfilling and sets you up for future success. I remember her also teaching this in our Groups and Cultures class and so, with the year coming to a close, I decided to share some of her insights in my article today.
A good termination/transition experience “matters because it allows individuals to reflect on their progress, internalize their achievements, and create a sense of closure, which reinforces self-efficacy and builds the motivation needed to sustain current changes and pursue future goals with confidence” (Wegner, 2024).
In our class, Dr. Wegner gave us the opportunity to share what really stood out to us about the course and we also shared feedback on changes for future courses. First, she set up a “fishbowl” of the teaching team to show us how our own smaller groups would be run. She had the team share parts of the semester that stood out to them. She also had them give feedback for improvement and share their overall feeling about the class in one or two words. It was a powerful exercise to witness mostly because you could see how much this teaching team cared about us as students. The feeling was easily reciprocated and was illustrated by the chat filling with statements of praise and gratitude. When we did the same exercise in smaller groups, the cohesion was palatable as we shared our joys and our frustrations. Knowing that our TA took notes and that the teaching team brings this feedback to each other gave me a sense of validation that I have not felt from many leaders. Most of all, the peace I’m holding while ending this class is something I wish I had more of.
One of the paradoxes I’ve overplayed in my life is not wanting to let things end. (To see what I mean by overplaying paradoxes, see my article here). When I have been part of something I love, I want to keep it open in case we can come back to it. Unfortunately, what I accidentally end up doing is robbing myself of the peace of closure. Life experiences come in stages, and those stages don’t last forever- despite our best efforts to keep things the same. Change is inevitable, but how we deal with those changes makes all the difference for our wellbeing.
I’m trying to be more intentional about adjourning. Even when I’m hoping aspects of a relationship, experience, or stage of life can continue, I’m trying to also allow myself to see that acknowledging the end of a current way of doing things is a healthy thing.
To illustrate, let me share a time when I robbed my own peace by trying to keep things open. When I closed my business last year, I had some places where I adjourned well and one where I really didn’t. For those who were contracted and employed with me, we had a goodbye party, and we wrote letters of recommendation that gave me a chance to reflect on the joy these individuals had brought into my life. However, there was a small group of my closest friends that I didn’t want to adjourn with. They had become such a strong support for me that I didn’t want to admit that that part of our relationship could end. So, I tried to keep things open. I remember almost manically ideating business ideas that I thought could keep our relationship going as it was. In my own desperate attempts to not lose what we had previously, I kept pushing ideas on them that weren’t going to be a good fit for what their lives needed next. None of us wanted to hurt each other’s feelings and so we kept trying to skirt around the issue of the fact that how we had been interacting for the last several years was not going to be how we would be able to interact now.
As time continued, and the issue remained unaddressed, we drifted apart. I remember thinking it felt like I was trying to hold sand in my hands while water ran over it. This rich and fulfilling relationship was slipping through my fingers and I didn’t know what to do about it. Unfortunately, this caused me a lot more stress and disappointment than what would have happened if I had been willing to admit that things were going to be different. Instead of trying to sustain something that was unsustainable, it would have been better to sit with the hard truth that we needed to redefine what our relationship was going to be moving forward. Then at least we could have been intentional about it.
My therapist eventually realized that what I needed for this relationship was some sense of closure. Unfortunately, with these friends, I had lost the opportunity to do that as a group. So, at the end of the year, I made a ritual to that helped me finally process the feelings that inevitably accompany change. I stood on a bluff in Southern Utah at sunset on New Year’s Eve. With a list in my hand of the things I needed to let go of and the things that I wanted to carry with me into the new year, I spoke my thoughts to the sky. I took a moment to grieve my unmet expectations and to express my gratitude for all the good that the year had brought me. I also took a moment to decide how I wanted to begin anew while taking the learnings that had been gifted to me. It was there, standing on that bluff, that I knew I wanted to begin Sageship – or in other words, a journey to find wisdom for a life well-lived--and share it with others.
As we approach the end of 2024, I hope you take a moment to decide how you’ll adjourn this year. Find ways to process the accomplishments you have made. Highlight your growth and positive changes. Also, take a moment to look at what you’d like to do better. Maybe end your moment with a one- or two-word sum-up of what 2024 has been for you. I know for me; it has been a year of soul-stretching experiences.
Thanks for reading with me today. I hope you find some way to honor the current stage of life you are in.
Reference:
Wegner, R. (2024) – Lecture Class 14: Termination, Personal Communications