Dealing with Uncertainty
Last year, I went to San Diego to try and escape the cold of the Utah winter and find some sunshine. When we arrived, cloudy grey skies were part of the forecast. I chose to go to the beach anyway. My husband and I sat on the beach listening to the sound of the waves despite the chill seeping through our sweatshirts. My goal was to watch the sunset on the beach. At first, we could see ships out on the horizon and birds flying about.
However, after a while a dense dark gray fog began to roll in. Pretty soon, the horizon line and the ships were no longer visible behind the wall of fog that was moving toward us.
Now, I’m a mountain girl, I don’t know what to expect when it comes to fog. As it got closer, my husband and I began to worry. Should we take off, get to our rental car and try to beat the fog back to our Airbnb?
Not knowing what to do, we looked around. We saw some other tourists, like ourselves, frantically gathering their things and rushing to their cars. We wondered if we should follow suit. However, when we looked to the locals, we saw that they were not moving. They were calmly staying put while the fog quickly began to envelop us. So, just like the phrase “when in Rome,” my husband and I chose to emulate the locals and stay put as well.
Before long, the fog was thick enough that we could no longer see the waves that were crashing up against the beach. We could only hear them. The same went for the airplanes that were headed to the nearby naval base. They sounded incredibly close, but we couldn’t even see their blinking lights. A few more minutes later and all I could see was my husband next to me. Everything else was a blurry grey blanket with no reprieve in sight…
This memory has become an analogy for the times that I have had to sit with uncertainty. Dealing with uncertainty is one of the hardest resilience skills to build. All of us experience the acute stress that happens in moments of uncertainty when we cannot see a way forward. Sometimes, I call these moments “waiting for the cast list.” In high school, I did theater, and the hardest time of any theater kid’s experience is waiting for the cast list to be posted. You go through the anxiety of auditioning, the thrill of getting called back, and then you just have to wait. Finding out you didn’t get the part is less stressful than waiting to know the results. We all have times like this. For example, waiting to find out if you got the job you interviewed for, waiting for a text reply after a date, waiting to hear about a cancer diagnosis. These are times where we don’t have control of the outcome, and yet the potential of the outcome could be life changing. In that moment, it can feel like sitting in a blanket of fog. Did you know, there are studies that show that waiting for test results from a cancer screening is harder on individuals than actually finding out that you have cancer? The not knowing puts us into a state of acute stress.
So, what can we do about it?
First, it’s important to acknowledge that we cannot control the outcome in these moments and that helps us know what kind of coping will be most helpful. There are three aspects we can focus on in terms of building resilience during times of uncertainty: 1) our physical needs, 2) our mental needs, and 3) our emotional needs.
The physical needs are the ones that take the least amount of brain power. During these times, it can be easy to want to just freeze and wait. However, it’s a better idea to get your physiology on your side. Instead of jumping to carb heavy comfort foods, lean into nourishing your body with good nutrition. Make sure you’re doing something active daily and prioritize recharging through sleep. These things keep your body on your side so that when you know the outcome, you’re ready to take steps forward instead of needing to recover from dealing with waiting.
Mental needs in this situation come down to understanding. It can be tempting to try and use problem focused coping (i.e. problem solving and going into fix-it mode) in a situation like this. However, trying to move forward when you don’t know what direction forward is, can be more harmful than helpful. Since things are outside of our control and the path forward is not clear, it is more effective to practice other coping mechanisms. Things such as mindfulness, practicing your religion if you have one, practicing gratitude exercises such as journaling and finding ways to connect with the present moment are all helpful. Moments of uncertainty are intense and memorable, but not long lasting. This is why mindfulness can be especially helpful in helping you wait things out.
Finally, emotional needs. This a good time to connect with those who provide good social support. Just as my husband and I looked to the locals on the beach, we knew that we could use the experience of others to help us know what to do in that moment. Connecting with your social support can be as intensive or easy as fits your needs. Sometimes a phone call to a good friend will do the trick. Other times, a session with a therapist can be incredibly comforting. Human beings are social creatures. Evolutionarily, we survived because of our ability to work in groups – there’s no reason you need to weather your uncertainty alone.
What we don’t want to do is run from the discomfort. That is considered avoidant coping and like running did for the other tourists in my story, it can actually prolong the stress you are facing. During our beach experience, the fog quickly took over the roads and that meant that those who had left were now stuck in a much more precarious situation since the roads now had very low visibility. For those of us on the beach though, we found stillness, we took deep breaths, and I hugged my husband tightly. We had about 20 minutes of discomfort, but then the visibility opened up again. The best part, on the other side of the wall of fog was one of the most beautiful sunsets I’ve ever witnessed.
As I’ve talked through my own struggles with uncertainty with my mentor, she has reminded me how powerful it is to have soul stretching experiences. Although these times are difficult and uncomfortable, they give you knowledge and experience you cannot gain any other way. When we weather them, they are full of insights and lessons that will prove our growth. It is important that we keep our eyes open, so we don’t miss the beauty of what we’ve learned when we reach the other side of the storm.
Thank you for reading with me today. I hope that if you are currently weathering a storm, that you will soon see the beautiful sunset on the other side.