Beating Burnout… Or at least trying to…

Burnout and grief suck.

They operate by their own rules, and you don’t really get to know what those rules are. The road to recovery does not follow a straight trajectory and triggers are often unexpected.

At least that’s been my experience and my therapist told me that’s normal 😉

I’ve been on a pretty good upswing for a while, but last week those emotions, burnout and grief, hit me again. I’m not even 100% sure what triggered them. Maybe it’s because I was vulnerable in an assignment. Or maybe the fact that the imposter syndrome was so loud last week. Perhaps it’s because I should have been able to celebrate an anniversary with my mom, but she’s not here.

All I know is I woke up exhausted and that is the symptom that alerts me to a burnout relapse.

When I say burnout, I’m talking about extreme clinical level of burnout. I thought I had known what burnout was before last year. I would notice that as I let my boundaries slip and prioritized everything else over my own needs, that I would become disillusioned with whatever work I was doing. I would often treat this level of burnout with changing jobs, or making new goals, or something else that could get me a “clean slate.” Unfortunately, since I was treating only the symptoms of burnout and not the root causes, the burnout would creep back in.

Last year, however, I hit extreme burnout. This was no longer dissatisfaction and “stress” at work. This was extreme exhaustion. In many ways, true burnout exhibits many of the same characteristics of depression. The difference being that instead of feeling sad, angry, or ashamed, you simply feel exhaustion. You’re too tired to feel anything else. The thought of smiling is exhausting. You don’t want to see people because the thought of conversing is exhausting. Even sleeping is hard because dreaming is exhausting. Things that used to bring you joy, now make you feel tired. The world that was once vivid and full of color, is grayscale. Color takes energy and effort that you do not have.

Thanks to licensed professionals, I’ve been working on healing from my burnout. I don’t love feeling like I’m less capable than I’ve been in the past, but I also know that my body is telling me it can’t keep up with the pace I’ve set for it time and again. Honestly, I’m just paying interest on the debt I’ve racked up for pushing it too far too many times.

Although I have felt good for so long, (I’m 7 months into my recovery journey), my therapist prepared me for the relapse days that would come and this time, I was prepared. Additionally, Sabrina Woods, my fantastic career coach, gave me the idea to make cards as a gift from my healthy self to my struggling self. These gifts are “day-off” passes. Last week, I used my first one. I’ve learned the hard way that If I don’t take the time to care for the burnout when it comes, then I will pay for it in my performance for the next several days. Here’s how I tackled my relapse:

I did activities that I know are essential for my health;

• I exercised,

• made healthy meals,

• and tended to my spiritual wellbeing through

  • scripture study,

  • prayer,

  • and meditation.

    I also took a nap.

I didn’t stretch myself in those activities as I often do. (Yes, even napping. I’m a pro power napper! I didn’t limit this nap to the 26 optimal minutes backed by research. That’s a big deal for me.) I allowed these activities to be a gift and thanked my body for what it was willing to give today. I’ve learned that on days when the burnout is burning, I need to give myself small wins. To be productive, but not overly so, and to prioritize activities that are both restful and have forward momentum. I’m learning that effort does not necessarily equate to achievement and that my achievements will actually be better if I allow myself to rest from time to time.

I wish it hadn’t taken me getting so low to begin prioritizing these things. I wish I had been better at advocating for myself when I needed to take a break or rest. I wish I had learned earlier the skills in boundaries and good communication that I would need to protect my own wellness. Luckily, healing can begin at any stage. I hope you all take some time to recharge today. It’s more valuable than you know.