Don’t Wait for the Beach to Go Sunbathing
How many times have you thought to yourself, “I’ll relax once this project is over”? Or how about “I’ve just got to push through till this deadline”?
What about, “I can’t wait for my vacation”? And then, you get on that vacation, and you find that you don’t know how to relax?
I think of the movie The Holiday where Cameron Diaz’s workaholic character rents a small English Cottage to get away and she doesn’t even make it 8 hours before she’s so bored, she wants to go back home. For me, if I go on vacation, I go in the opposite direction. I’m not going to just sit still in one place. I’m going to fill the itinerary with all sorts of exciting activities. I want to see the sights, understand the modes of public transportation (it’s a weird fascination I have), and taste all the great foods. I want a flavor for the city, and I want to know that I got my time’s worth. The problem is, I come home exhausted. (My husband still can’t wear the shoes that he bought for a trip to Paris because according to him, I gave him walking PTSD.)
The fact of the matter is there’s a type of “high” that comes from the feeling of hyper productivity. It’s based in reactive responses and the dopamine that hits when you solve or save the day. This is why I’ve had to admit to myself that I’m addicted to stress. Much like any other substance abuse, I seek that high and too much of it is detrimental to my health.
In I/O Psychology, there are the concepts of work/family conflict and job enmeshment. Work-family conflict, as you may guess, happens when individuals prioritize the needs of work over the needs of the family. Think of the beginning of the movie Hook when Robin William’s character Peter misses his son’s baseball game because of work meetings. Personally, I always pictured work-family conflict on a logistical level, meaning scenarios such as I brought this project home to finish after dinner, I took a call during off hours, or I need to stay late at the office to finish something. What I didn’t realize until recently, is that this also relates to energy and motivation. Meaning, if I care so much about my work that I give everything I have in terms of energy at work, then I don’t show up at home as fully present. I’m present in body only and I’m not able to engage with my home and family. I’ve had to learn that although energy is a renewable resource, it’s not an unlimited resource.
Additionally, the concept of job enmeshment relates to individuals beginning to identify their entire personality with their job or role. I clarify role here because honestly, I have felt this as much with the title of “Mother” as I have with the title of “Entrepreneur.” The scary thing about job enmeshment is that change eventually does happen and if we no longer fill that role, we’ve lost a sense identity and that can have very troubling consequences – especially in psycho-social terms.
So, what do we do? I’ll admit, that when I see social media talk about “self-care” and they show bubble baths and pedicures, I don’t get it. Sure, that feels nice for a moment, but it doesn’t solve much for me. However, for some folks, it does. So, what’s the difference?
One of the best things I’ve taken away from my program so far is the importance of having a hobby. This provides you with a few key benefits:
Identity outside of work (and home if need be),
A creative pursuit that is all yours, and
An opportunity to engage in something that’s not about being productive or profitable.
(And to my fellow entrepreneurs out there, guess what, if you change a hobby to a job, you’ll lose some of those benefits. So, make sure that if you do that you pick up other hobbies as well.)
The key here is that a hobby is not something you do for anyone else. It’s something you do for you. Something that you can safely fail at, be mediocre in, or be spectacular at. How good at it you are does not matter because achievement is not the purpose. The act of engaging in it is where the worth lies.
If your hobby is bubble baths and pedicures, go for it. My hobbies are dancing and gardening. Although my skills in both have grown over time, skill building is not necessarily why I do it. As I described before, I do it because it fills my cup. These two activities are mine. They belong to Erika. Not mom. Not boss. Not wife. Not sister. Erika. They don’t need a ton of time and attention from me, but they need enough to keep me engaged with them.
The process of engaging in hobbies is self-care and self-love. No matter your role (yes, momma’s I’m talking to you too), understanding that you need regular consistent time to reconnect to something that is just for you, matters. Because although you have a role right now it is not all that you are. If you want to show up as your best in any role, you’ll need to feed your soul – and it is hungy. This is why I hope that you don’t wait for your beach vacation to take yourself from drowning in stress to sunbathing in relaxation. Find a little bit of your own sunshine every day and revel in it.