Emotional Green Flags
Last week, I attended an applied coaching intensive on Harvard campus with Dr. Bobbi Wegner. The week shifted many things in both my perspectives and desired behaviors – which has been common with my experiences with the Harvard Extension School. In 4 days, I took more notes than I do in most semesters and the connections I made with my peers were deeper than I’ve ever experienced in such a short time. I believe this was because the content we were learning was so significant that we felt the impact of its potential even while we were learning about it.
One of the concepts Dr. Wegner discussed was the idea of “self, other, & space-in-between.” Meaning, I will always bring things (such as experiences, history, moods, etc.) with me to any relationship. Additionally, there are things the other person brings with them that I cannot see. Finally, there is impact from the environment and space in between as well. From a cognitive level, this understanding seems simple. However, when we began to realize that this also applies to the feelings that come up during conversations and that our job is to notice those feelings, name them out loud (or “put them on the table” as Dr. Bobbi would say) and then work with the other person to decide what we want to do with them, this concept can suddenly be much harder to implement.
For example, if you’re in a coaching conversation and you feel resistance (whether it be in yourself or as a vibe in the room) Dr. Wegner taught us that most likely the other person feels it too. I’ll admit, because of my previous trainings and habits, if I feel discomfort like this, I want to just keep powering through with an extra focus on the content of the conversation. I’ve been conditioned to ignore or suppress those feelings.
However, these feelings ARE impacting the conversation. Even more so, these feelings are impacting the relationship around the conversation. This is why Dr. Wegner encouraged us to notice when we feel or sense something and to then articulate those feelings with curiosity. When we do this, it brings the feelings into a space where you can deal with them. It’s important to note that the feeling(s) may not be indicative of truth, but the fact that they are being felt means that they are impacting the conversation.
Considering this is not a talent I’m naturally good at, here are 5 quotes from Dr. Wegner (2025) that I’m leaning on to help me with this:
“With real change, you want to follow the feeling… …Be the observer and put the feeling on the table for discussion so you can dig deep with it.”
(She exemplified this quote in a group coaching fishbowl. As she asked questions to the group, she’d notice if one of us shared something with a little more emotion behind it and then ask us to share more about that. It was incredible to watch how quickly we opened up to deeper conversations with this method.)
“If you feel an emotion, pause and find where it’s coming from.”
“Let’s pause for a sec and slow down a little. We’re in a reactive state and that’s not where good decisions are made”
“Pushing to take action creates reactance.”
“Are we in the head or the heart?”
This experience was the first time that I’ve realized that the emotions that arise when working toward a goal are just as valuable (if not more so) than the strategies and tactics of working towards that goal. Dr. Wegner talked about emotions being green flags for discovering an individual’s deeper motivations and values. And if you can connect an individual’s goals to these deeper motivations and values, they are far more likely to engage in long-term sustainable behavior change.
So, if you’re like me and using the momentum of January to recharge your habits and goals for the year, I encourage you to notice the emotions that arise when you are choosing your goals and then dig deeper into why you feel that way. Even better, if you can find a certified health and wellness coach to walk you through this process, you may surprise yourself with the long-term habits you’ll be able to build.
Thanks for reading with me today. I hope that you find ways to embrace your whole self in the days ahead.
Reference:
Wegner, B. (2025) Lecture: Applied Coaching, Harvard Extension School, Personal Communications