Mindfulness for Emotional Intelligence
I first tried meditation in 2016 after my manager told me she was worried about my blood pressure. You see, one of my talents is being able to build meaning and purpose into just about anything. This ability to care has resulted in a drive that often works in my favor. However, it also has a dark side. One of which is that I can care so much about something that if I feel others don’t care about it, I’ll push beyond natural limits to make sure that thing is done well. It was after one of these moments, I think in relation to an operational process at work, that my boss lovingly told me that she thought a meditation app may be helpful for my heart health and ability to de-stress.
I purchased the calm app shortly thereafter and have been building my mindfulness skill set ever since. It was about a year later when a situation came up in my new business that normally would have triggered me into a multi-day seething session that I shocked myself by taking a few breaths, grounding myself, and letting those feelings go. I was genuinely calm inside. This feeling was something I had never accomplished before in a high stress moment, and it had happened almost naturally. I had officially gained a testimony that mindfulness is a valid stress management tool. I also built a heuristic, or mental shortcut, that mindfulness was just for stress management. That’s it.
Imagine my surprise when I heard John Marshal, a guest speaker in my applied coaching course, speak about mindfulness as an emotional intelligence tool. He didn’t bring up stress at all. Instead, he was talking about mindfulness in a broader sense - especially as a way to build self-awareness so that you can move toward self-management. Somehow, in focusing on mindfulness only within the context of stress, I had jumped straight to the goal of self-management (i.e. control my stressful feelings) without understanding the value of self-awareness.
My paradigm began to shift. (Which when it comes to valuing the process, my paradigm has been shifting a lot lately)
Most often, we are simply reacting to our emotions instead of being cognitively aware of them. This means that too often, we see emotions only within the context of needing to control them – like they are some sort of nuisance that gets in the way. Instead, these emotions provide valuable cues. Sometimes, these cues can be mined for deeper understanding of purpose, meaning, and values. Other times, these cues can alert you to the need to take a break. Even sometimes, these cues react to something that is not true or real, but their impact on you is. Being aware of them is the first step in knowing what you’d like to do next with them. Rushing past the awareness part of being mindful misses the point and power of what it is offering.
In my Emotional Intelligence for Impact class, we learned that the basis of emotional intelligence is to first be intelligent with your own feelings and then to build bridges with others to share their own perspectives or feelings. However, we only lightly touched on how to be intelligent with your own feelings. After hearing John Marshall speak, I realized that mindfulness is a foundational tool for building your emotional intelligence skillset.
The purpose of mindfulness is not to get rid of thoughts or emotions, but instead to become aware (much like an observer) of the thoughts and emotions that arise within you. Sounds easy, but it’s not. It takes practice and work. You wouldn’t expect to be able to lift 300 lbs without taking the time to work your way up that. The same goes for being able to notice your emotions as they arise and to be able to respond to them in healthy ways.
As I’ve sat with my paradigm shift around mindfulness, I’m also now seeing how viewing mindfulness as more than stress management has changed my reasons for wanting to practice mindfulness. What started as an inward self-care process has now become an outward contribution process. Meaning, what I once did only for my own health and stress has been repurposed to also include how I can show up to care for others. In relationships, if I am consistently triggered or reactive, I’m not going to be in a place where I can hold a safe space for the other person. However, if I can notice those emotions as they arise and tend to them, I’m far more likely to respond in ways that are productive for both me and the other person.
As I am looking for ways to increase my own emotional intelligence and to build my ability to express those emotions in healthy ways, I’m grateful for this paradigm shift on the power of mindfulness. I’m realizing more and more that the small habits of wellbeing often have multiple ways of enhancing your life. Often, I start one with one purpose in mind and then, if I keep myself open to experience, I’m gifted additional benefits from that practice. I’m grateful to be finding opportunities like this regularly and hope you have found some as well.
Thank you for reading with me today. I hope you find some joy in being mindful this week.
**Fun bonus fact: did you know we have a nervous system that bypasses our brain? It’s called the enteric nervous system, and it works within your digestive system. Since it doesn’t connect directly to the brain, we are not cognitively aware of the information it is giving us, but it will pick up on cues in the room. If you’ve ever heard someone say to “trust your gut,” this is the science behind that. Like really, your gut is receiving valid information that your head isn’t aware of. How cool is that? I don’t know about you, but I have personal stories when someone “trusted their gut” and it saved another’s life. I’m finding more evidence that rational thought is not all there is – and I love it.