Free Haircuts!
How many people can honestly say that their mother’s funeral was one of the most joyous occasions that they’ve ever experienced?
I feel lucky to be able to say that I can.
Don’t get me wrong, the grief still certainly packed a wallop and I’m still dealing with affects from it, but that actual day? It was full of memory sharing, joking, laughter, and so much meaning.
I read an article for my Stress, Coping, and Resilience class recently that helped explain how this happened. Susan Folkman and Judith Moskowitz of the University of California, set out to find information about “the other side” of coping research. Up till then, most of the research had been focused on the detrimental effects of stress. They were determined to find an approach that looked at positive affect in the stress process. (Folkman & Moskowitz, 2000). They found three key things:
“Positive affect can co-occur with distress during a given period,
Positive affect in the context of stress has important adaptational significance of its own, and
Coping processes that generate and sustain positive affect in the context of chronic stress involve meaning (p. 648).”
They found 4 specific coping mechanisms that can generate positive affect even within the most distressing circumstances:
Positive reappraisal,
Problem-focused coping,
Infusing ordinary events with positive meaning, and
The special role of situational meaning
(Folkman & Moskowitz, 2000).
I think I’ll break down each of these mechanisms in future articles as I don’t want this post to become too long. All in all, this article was the first time in my research on stress and burnout where I felt that I could praise my family for how we’ve handled some tough things in the last few years.
However, a key finding by Folkman & Moskowitz described what kept me afloat for so long through my mother’s cancer journey. Moments of positivity (or positive affect) during intense and hard moments interrupted the stress of the intense circumstance which “short-circuited” the things that can generate depression - such as rumination spirals (2000).
Let me share with you an example…
My mom’s hair was nothing short of iconic. To illustrate what I mean, as a child, if I got lost, the way I found my mom was by looking for her hair. It was a style that was all her own and I could spot her anywhere in a crowd. My mom actually never fussed about her hair much. She was not patient enough to spend a lot of time styling it, but she had fantastic natural curls. Thanks to her two hairdresser sisters, it could be cut in a way that simply let it air dry and create her signature look. Having a brain tumor, or as she named it “Bruno,” meant that her iconic hair was the first thing we got to grieve (my mom actually didn’t care that much about losing her hair, but it was hard on the rest of us.) In July of 2022, my mom had been through enough radiation and chemo that she had a bald spot on the back of her head. A counselor suggested that we hold a head shaving party as a way to begin the acceptance process.
So, we set a date and made a plan.
We chose to set up the shaving party in my mom’s front yard during the golden hour just before sunset (because we knew we were going to want to film this occasion and my sister insisted we get the best lighting). We decided that each family member would have a turn to shave part of her head and share a favorite family memory with her while we did so. It was going to be a symbolic way to begin letting go since her hair was so prevalent in many of our memories. I remember taking a deep breath before the event to steel myself for what I thought would be a heavy and tear-filled moment… but my mom had other plans.
Halfway through the process my mom spotted a young couple coming down the sidewalk. We knew something was coming because her lips twitched, and we saw a sparkle in her eyes as an idea took hold. She waited till one of us was shaving a good chunk of hair, then looked the couple in the eye and said, “free haircuts!” The couple gaped at us and we saw our little ceremony in a completely new light. Here was my mom, sitting on a stool in her front yard with a hairdresser cape on, smirking while parts of her hair were awkwardly sticking up between bald patches. Not only that, but she was surrounded by a dozen or so family members with puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks who were now laughing so hard they couldn’t hold anything back.
The rest of that event was full of giggles, warm memories, and a spectacular sunset. My mom kept her bit running and shouted, “free haircuts!” at any opportunity – including cars that drove by. She also insisted on having a turn to shave her head herself and then spent a good 5 minutes doing vogue style model poses for us with the razor.
That event could have been somber like we thought it would have been. If it had, it would have still been a valuable coping event for my family to begin the acceptance process of grief. However, I believe that if it had gone as we expected, it would be hard for me to look back on. Although I have certainly cried while recalling this memory, I’ve also laughed wonderfully hard. Finding joy in the hard does not mean ignoring the hard or diminishing it. Instead, it takes finding the moments that have meaning and sometimes letting off steam with laughter when you realize that even with stress and grief, there will be moments that are objectively funny. It’s up to you to decide if you see them or not.
Until then, let me know if you want a haircut.
Miss you Mamma E.
References
Folkman, S & Moskowitz, J. T. (2000). Positive affect and the other side of coping. American Psychologist, 55, 647-654.
Picture Credit: Lizi Fesler, @feslerfilms