Healthy People Healing People
The applied coaching course I took in January changed me in ways I didn’t expect. I went in expecting to learn skills and behaviors for becoming a better coach. And although I did learn those skills, I was gifted so much more – especially in the way that I view others.
Have you ever heard the phrase “hurt people hurt people?” I was taught the phrase as a way to create some space between reaction and labeling. Meaning, instead of immediately labeling someone as a villain when you see someone doing something wrong, you can determine if you have enough facts for that diagnosis. Mostly, I’ve seen the phrase used to help bring compassion into scenarios when you need to see someone as more human. However, I’ve also seen it used to justify bad behavior. In other words, I’ve often had a tenuous relationship with the phrase.
While sitting in the last day of my applied coaching course, there was a moment when I looked out across my peers and realized that I had heard incredible stories of difficulties and resilience from each of them. As I looked at the faces of these good people, I remember thinking “everyone here is carrying something so heavy and yet they are here hoping to serve.” It was then that I realized that hurt people don’t always hurt people. Sometimes, hurt people heal people. It’s not the hurt that is unique. It’s how you deal with it.
In my studies of well-being, I’ve found two different ways of supporting mental health. One way is healing, and it takes a lot of inward focused work. If you’re someone who is dealing with heaviness right now, for instance, there is work you can do to help yourself heal. This is usually done with a licensed therapist, and it takes time.
On the other side of supporting mental health are behaviors that we need to engage in to move towards thriving or flourishing and most of the time, these behaviors require that you turn outward. These behaviors usually involve serving or contributing to others in some way or another. Finding ways to balance and listen to both ways of supporting our mental health are foundational to sustainable well-being.
In our coaching course, we had an opportunity to experience both sides through the process of coaching. What coaching has really done for me is shown me the true power of listening. While being the coachee, I was doing the inward work that is often required for healing. I was able to look at events in my life that have shaped me. I was able to share things I’m struggling with and things that I’m proud of all while having a non-judgmental listening ear sit with me through the experience. Feeling heard is a powerful tool for anyone’s health - but for optimal health, don’t stop there.
On the coaching side, I realized how powerful it is to be a listener instead of a fixer. When we used skills that helped evoke, engage, and focus, I was surprised by how good it felt to serve in that way. By the end of our peer coaching sessions, I felt honored to have been the one to sit with another while she worked through her own goals, triumphs, and struggles. Although I didn’t solve anything for her, I found myself giving in a way I had never given before because what I was doing was helping hold space for her to solve the things that mattered most to her. I felt more outward focused than I have been in a long-time because I had to set my ego aside (including all the expertise I have fought hard to earn) and used unconditional positive regard for another person to direct my questions, thoughts, and actions. This kind of outwardness changes how you feel inside as well.
I left that experience surprised by how close I felt to so many different people in such a short time. My soul had truly been lifted and expanded. I found that being in a room of people who had taken steps to heal and then turn those experiences outward so they can help others, was a powerful place to be.
Since that class, I have changed how I’ve approached anyone that I’ve had the chance to talk with (and I’ve been surprised at the number of opportunities that have arisen to just catch up with people). I’ve found myself asking more questions and reflecting back things people have told me more than trying to add in my own two cents or worrying about balancing who has had what amount of airtime in the conversation. I’ve found myself asking permission before sharing advice as well as honoring really hard experiences others have had to carry. I have walked away from lunches and zoom calls feeling renewed and more connected to others more than I have in a long time. I’m seeing more and more proof that all of us have some form of hurt that we are carrying and that many of us use those experiences to catalyze our ability to help. When we do the work for both sides, we can become healthy people who help heal people.
Thank you for reading with me today. I hope you are finding ways to heal your hurts and to help others with theirs.