Pebbles of Connection
Social support is a key ingredient for stress resilience and guess what – it’s probably the stress management component that I’m the worst at. I have no problem giving social support. In fact, few things make me feel more fulfilled and connected than having the opportunity to serve someone else. However, receiving social support? I stink at it. I’m fiercely independent and have terrible asking skills. This means, I don’t ask for help until it’s my last resort. Then, when I do ask, I’m timid about it and try not to inconvenience anyone. Just so you know, if you wait till that situation to ask, not a whole lot of people are available to give the support and/or don’t realize how much it would mean to you if they said yes to your request.
To compound this, I have ADHD (as does the rest of my family) and one of the joyous things about ADHD is a little issue around object permanence… meaning, if you’re not in my immediate visibility, I may forget you exist… It’s not an intentionally hurtful thing. It’s an executive function thing. However, my family has never seen our ADHD as a hinderance because we have, in many ways, learned to hack our brains. You see, although we have issues with object permanence, we also have very powerful associative thinking skills. My mom learned quickly how to harness this superpower. She loved people and as she would talk with them, she would learn stories or other unique things about them. Things that would make her smile and would click with her love of novelty (another ADHD trait). Then, anytime she saw something that reminded her of the interaction with that person, she would send a note, make a call, shoot off a quick text message, or quickly drive by for a drop in visit.
I’ve just found out there is a term for my mom’s hack. It’s called “pebbling.” I learned about it through a social media post from Adam Grant (and my mom would have gone gaga for this). He said, “Sending memes, links, and videos to others isn’t trivial. It signals that you’re thinking of them and want them to share your joy. It’s known as pebbling, based on penguins gifting pebbles to potential partners. Pebbling is an act of care. Every pebble is a bid for connection.” He calls out that pebbling isn’t a substitute for longer more in-depth forms of communication, but it does send out little signals of love. I love that my mom used pebbling to lead to those longer forms of communication and connection. It may also be one of the reasons that my mom was able to garner so much social support when she needed it. If anyone could get a community rallied around a cause, it was my momma.
You can check out Adam Grant’s post here: https://www.instagram.com/p/C8XQL0JJJzA/
Here’s what I’ve learned. The best way to receive social support is to give it. Asking my brain to magically remember to reach out to everyone I love, however, is not really feasible. (There have been many times when I’ve seen or heard about friends regularly communicating with people that they don’t see often, and it baffles me because I truly don’t know how they do it.) However, there are many random things that I experience daily that make me think of people I love. The trick for me is to reach out before my brain has moved on. So, I’ve made the goal to “not suppress a positive thought” and have been more regular at sending out pebbles when the associative thought hits.
If you’re on the receiving end of a pebble from anyone don’t discount it. It is a bid for connection. Give it a like, a heart, a laugh, or a response. Whoever sent it to you likes you and is thinking of you. Even if it is in a small way. You never know how much receiving that pebble can mean to the sender.
Thanks for reading with me today. I hope you let a generous thought expand to action today.