Through my mom’s cancer journey, my sister counseled us that grief looks different for different people. She’d use this caveat to help us remember to give each other a lot of grace during the tough periods.

The last few days have been another one of those tough periods. My husband’s grandmother is actively dying. (It is expected she will have passed by the time this post goes live). Grannie Great (as she was known to my kids) was someone very close to us. She was a core caregiver during my husband’s seminal years since both of his parents worked. She’s been at Sunday family dinners and celebrated most holidays with us for as long as I can remember. She was always ready to tell you a story and was a fantastic listener. She surprised me more than once by asking me about a small detail from my world that I wasn’t sure if anyone remembered. She was a joy to be around and a friend to many.

As I’ve been trying to support my husband through this loss, I’ve heard my sister’s words run through my mind time and again. It has been a helpful reminder to stay gentle with everyone as they get hit with emotions they may not be expecting. One of the ways I’ve chosen to cope is by putting on my social scientist hat. I took notes on the different ways I saw grief showing up with the family members that came to say goodbye to this wonderful lady. Here’s what I witnessed:

Acute Sadness

· Weeping

· Pacing

· Shaking Hands

· Slumped over with head in hands

· Trying to slow the breath

· Staring at nothing

Co-regulation Through Touch

· Hugs

· Snuggles

· Soft Tickles

· Hand holding

· Leaning on one another

Mild Aggression

· Smashing pinecones

· Snapping back at family members

· Getting annoyed over seemingly small things

· Criticizing others

Problem Solving (aka controlling what we could/seeking normalcy)

· Coordinating support logistics (food, communication channels, schedules, etc.)

· Mowing a lawn

· Cleaning clothes

· Moving furniture

· Making sure everyone knew who was travelling from how far and when they were expected to arrive.

· Advice giving (even if it was unhelpful)

Seeking the Divine

· Prayers

· Fasting

· Blessings

· Temple visits

· Scripture study

· Meditation

Memory Grasping

· Taking pictures

· Sharing stories

· Going through old items

Physical Fatigue or Illness

· Sleeping 14 hours

· Not sleeping at all

· Stomach issues

· Loss of appetite

Numbing

· Playing video games

· Not wanting to leave to go home and reset

· Eating excessive amounts of cereal

Bids for Connection

· Checking in on each other verbally

· Watching how others are reacting

· Talking around a table

· Telling awkward jokes (that may or may not have landed)

This list is comprised of more than 40 behaviors (that were different than our usual interactions) and I witnessed them within just 3 days of being around 1 group of extended family members. I’m sure if we expanded the sample size, we could gather even more behaviors that were rooted in grief. It amazes me that the same core motive can show up in so many different ways.

It helps me question the snap judgments I make about others when their behavior does not fit my expectations. There truly can be so many reasons for why someone is acting the way they are. If the reason is rooted in something painful like grief, I hope that my reaction to them can be full of compassion and grace instead of condemnation. If you’re going through something painful, I hope you give yourself grace as well.

The hard experiences can grow us and mold us faster than the soft times. My stress professor even told us that conflict provides a chance to make relationships stronger. It’s hard to lean in when everyone is so tender and the chances of being misunderstood or showing up poorly are high. However, the regret of not trying to be there can be so much worse.

Thank you for reading with me. I hope you give yourself and others a little extra grace today.

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Pebbles of Connection

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